


a shadow at the most

by Malik



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-03
Updated: 2013-02-03
Packaged: 2017-11-28 02:07:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/669031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malik/pseuds/Malik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Niall stops being seen by his boyfriend, he decides it's time for Zayn to move on - for both their sakes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a shadow at the most

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "Gracious" by Ben Howard.

Zayn wakes up with tears gushing down his face. He blinks a few times, tries to sort himself together, but he knows what an impossible task that is. Waking up like this isn't an unusual occurrence anymore.

Minutes later, when the flood of tears finally stops, he decides it's time to get out of bed and make it through another day; he couldn't bear staying in all day - he couldn’t stand letting down the fans, let alone the boys. 

He walks into the kitchen and sighs before starting on the morning routine: make two portions of eggs and bacon, one cup of strong coffee to him and a tea with two sugars for Niall. 

He doesn’t want to make Niall's portion anymore, Niall don't deserve it, but he does it anyway. It's routine, and he can't change it because that would make his reality real and he doesn’t want that.

♡

Niall sits down on the chair in front of Zayn, his pale face staring down at his untouched food. He can't eat it anymore, how much he might want to, because he has already broken their routine once even though Zayn is determined to stick by it. 

"I missed you last night, Niall" Zayn whispers after a few heavy minutes of silence.

"I missed you too" Niall responds, but his voice is so soundless he's positive Zayn didn't hear him.

Zayn doesn't look at Niall throughout the whole meal, he wants to say something but he doesn’t know what. Niall betrayed him in the worst way possible and he keeps breaking him every day. But Zayn can't leave, he can't forget and he can't move on because he is still in love with Niall.

He takes both their plates and throws the barely eaten food into the trashcan before walking out without as much as a second glance. 

He misses Niall's "I'm sorry".

♡

Liam greets Zayn with a hug in the cab; they are on their way to an interview, their last interview. And Zayn isn't sure he's going to be able to do it, but then he think about the boys - and how they probably feels the same way – and he makes it through. 

"How are you?" Liam asks carefully, looking at his best friend with worried eyes. He doesn’t look at Niall who's sitting on the other side of Zayn. He can't look at him anymore, not after his betrayal.

Zayn doesn’t reply, he never really does anymore. He just let a single tear roll down his cheek, he wants to lean into Niall's embrace, he wants to let Niall comfort him but he can't anymore. He can't even look at the boy sitting next to him. 

Liam takes Zayn's hand in his, the grip so tight that both their hands start to turn purple because of the halt of blood in their veins.

They both misses Niall's "I'm sorry" as they walk out of the car, not looking back at the boy who’s sitting there. 

♡

Louis and Harry are already sitting on the sofa, waiting for the remaining parts of One Direction, as they come in. Harry instantly lets go of Louis hand and runs up to hug Zayn as he sees them.

"Are you okay?" He asks, glancing over at Liam to as if looking for some kind of reply. 

Zayn doesn’t answer, because he doesn’t really do that anymore.

Louis is still sitting on the sofa, tears glistening in his eyes. Niall is looking at him and for a second Louis looks back. The breath hitches in Niall's throat because none of the boys has done that since his betrayal.

He wants the moment to last longer because he misses Louis blue eyes /so/ much. He misses Harry's green and Liam's brown too. But mostly, he misses Zayn's almost black eyes. He misses them so deeply that just thinking about them makes his head spin. 

He takes his usual place on the sofa in the left corner, looking down at his lap, waiting for the other boys to sit down next to him. He just wants this damn interview to be over. He just wants /this/ to be over. He doesn’t want anyone to suffer from his mistake anymore even though he knows that’s impossible because this is One Direction's last interview.

The interviewer comes into the room, she's beautiful but none of the boys can really appreciate her beauty. 

Had this been three weeks ago Louis would already have complimented her dark eyes, Harry would have made a discreet mention of her luscious curves and Liam would have asked to touch her curls. Zayn and Niall would have laughed at their best friends flirting while sneaking glances at each other every other second. They didn't need to flirt with beautiful interviewers because they had each other for that. They had each other for so much more than that. 

But that was before Niall's mistake. That was before Niall broke One Direction.

She sits down and gives them all a look of compassion before taking a breath and starting the interview. 

"Hello boys, how are you holding up?" She asks, knowing that this is their last interview and how there's no point in keeping up any act anymore.

"We-we're trying" Harry replies with a small smile as he looks at the spot where Niall sits. "It's not easy because, fuck, we're all hurt but we're trying every day."

She nods before continuing "Can you tell us about your reactions near the previous events, do you know what made him do what he did?"

Zayn breaks into full blown tears before she's even done with the question. He doesn’t want to talk about Niall's betrayal - Niall's mistake - on live television. He wants to cuddle up into his boyfriend and watch bad comedies all day, he wants to take his boyfriend out to Nandos and let him order all he wants, he wants to /be/ with his boyfriend. But he can't anymore, not after Niall's betrayal.

"Niall- Niall was happy." Liam says quietly. 

Niall is looking at his best friend with a pained expression because Liam is right. Niall was happy, he finally was. He had Zayn and he had One Direction. He truly was happy. 

But he was broken. And sometimes broken pieces fall apart, even though they have their glue a few feet away. Sometimes those broken pieces relapse because of memories of hurt and pain and tears, and if the glue isn't there in that particular second, because they might have been out buying groceries, those broken pieces will break themselves even more. And sometimes, when the glue is seconds too late, because they might have decided to stop at a red light, those broken pieces break too much to ever become fixed. And Niall dies. 

"Niall was happy, but the day-. the day he took his life, I think he had simply forgotten about all the beautiful things in his life." Liam looks over at the empty spot, where Niall is supposed to sit, not realizing that he's staring his best friend in the eyes. "But no matter his oblivion to happiness that day, Niall died happy. I'm sure of it because he knew we loved him, that we do love him."

"I love you too" Niall whisperers from his spot.

The interviewer doesn't say anything, she just looks over at Zayn who’s barely breathing, with a look of compassion. Niall knows he blames himself. Niall wishes he didn't. Niall craves him to not. 

"I forgive you, please forgive yourself" He whisperers in Zayn's ear and peeks his earlobe, even though he knows he won't hear. 

Zayn looks at the empty place where Niall is supposed to sit and feels a cold shiver run through his left arm. 

"...Zayn?"

"I'm sorry what?" Zayn asks the interviewer as he retorts back into reality.

"I asked you how you feel about all of /this/."

"I- He's here." Zayn says, trying to calm himself down. When he hears the several gasps around him he feels the need to explain and continues.

"Well maybe not /here/ here. But he's in here" Zayn says and points to his heart. "He's the one who makes me wake up in the morning, who makes me continue my life. He's the one who makes me want to be alive, for him, for us." He's smiling now, a single tear sledding down his cheek. "I never really knew what it felt like to be alone before he... left me. Because every day when I came home he would be there and now… now he isn't. That's why I must believe that he lives in my heart, and in the wind, and in the sun, everywhere around me. That's the only way for me to cope with this."

"Say you forgive yourself. Please say you forgive yourself" Niall whispered from the sofa, his eyes shiny.

"That's the only way for me to forgive myself, because I know Niall would have."

Niall smiles because those words were the only thing he needed. The only thing the shade of his former self craved to hear before finally being released from the painful haunting of his lover and best friend. Because Zayn would forgive himself, and Zayn would move on and Zayn would find someone to heal the hole that Niall had left in him. And Zayn would be okay. 

So Niall left, and disappeared into a peaceful infinity of white. And Zayn would be okay.


End file.
